“When my baby came out of me, I went into mourning. I mourned my selfishness, my old life, my cute body—but I also mourned her. How perfectly safe and endless she was before I brought her into the world, maybe before she was even conceived. The hopes I had for her. The perfect life I had imagined. All of that was protected before. And now she was human. Exposed, vulnerable, and suffering.” -Jemima Kirke writes in Time, October 2015
If there is one thing that no one told me about giving birth or becoming a mother, it was the complexity of emotions I would definitely feel. This overwhelming feeling of love and need to protect this little baby that came into this world. And more than that, the fear that I wouldn’t always be there to protect her and at some point in her lifetime, I would have to let go and watch her make her own decisions and become her own person without me standing in the way, despite my wishes for her. It’s overwhelming to even think about. For the most part, I try to take things one day at a time.
It’s bittersweet, stepping into this new role. You say goodbye to your old life and your old freedom. Some days I feel selfish for missing it. And some days I look at my daughter and realize that there are bigger things here than the ability to step out whenever I want to get a manicure. Some days I remind myself that I’m raising my own little best friend. Manicures and drinks can wait.
Im not going to lie and say there haven’t been moments of loneliness. So, I’m thankful for the quote above and for women that can explain the process and emotion of becoming a mother better than I can. It helps to know that my I’m not alone in this journey. It helps to know that maybe I shouldn’t beat myself up for feeling that way. And it helps to know that I’m so lucky to have this experience. I couldn’t have put my feelings into words any better.